More Jokes

the cat · Post by **the cat** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 3:28 pm

Oh My goodness. You oiled the skates. Girl you have done me in.

I hurt so bad from laughing I'll have to go back to bed. First the teeth in the glass got me.

My hubby had to come and see if i was have a fit or something.

SharonM · Post by **SharonM** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 4:21 pm

That was a beautiful story, Lisa. It brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing it.

Caffee, I loved those jokes. Especially the 1st grad proverbs!

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 4:37 pm

Lisa, you made me tear up... or maybe it was the onion I just cut

thanks for the nice story.

Caffee, I laughed so hard I cried ..... or maybe it was Lisas' story

I think I'll have to print that one out & share it with my daughters teacher.

dylan1298 · Post by **dylan1298** » Wed Sep 21, 2005 10:41 pm

Excuse me will I go dry my nose and blow my eyes

Cat · Post by **Cat** » Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:44 pm

Fifty-Fifty

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-
food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered just one
meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided
the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had
half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat
watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another
meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years,
and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50."

The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which
she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use our teeth."

Medical term

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can
take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."

The Taxi

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask
him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus,
drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large
plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the
driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the
daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said
he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him
so much.

To which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault
at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving
a hearse for the last 25 years.

Davimad · Post by **Davimad** » Fri Sep 23, 2005 4:11 pm

You go Kathy, go!

The hearse one was a cracker!

the cat · Post by **the cat** » Fri Sep 23, 2005 5:16 pm

I love all of them 50/50 was great. the last one really got me. I don't do cabs very well. they drive to fast. but that was excellant

Cat · Post by **Cat** » Fri Sep 23, 2005 6:36 pm

Thanks Mo and Cathy! So glad you enjoyed the jokes I liked the taxi one the best.

Cat

dylan1298 · Post by **dylan1298** » Fri Sep 23, 2005 9:19 pm

So did I, the taxi joke was great

SharonM · Post by **SharonM** » Sat Sep 24, 2005 2:39 am

Thanks Caffee, those were great! I liked the taxi joke best, too.

the cat · Post by **the cat** » Sat Sep 24, 2005 6:38 pm

A blonde was sitting on the Train reading the newspaper.
The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed"
She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting
next to her and asked,

How many is a Brazilian???

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Sun Sep 25, 2005 2:10 am

ohh.... you ladies are on a roll today. Thanks for the laughs, the taxi gave me a good chuckle.

Willwonka4442 · Post by **Willwonka4442** » Sun Sep 25, 2005 2:16 am

Here is sum LOL material:
A guy walks in to a bar and says ouch!

Cat · Post by **Cat** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 12:37 pm

I had been standing in my dark and dank cellar for well over
an hour with my hands gripping a leaky pipe. The water was
spurting between my fingers, making my shoes wetter and
wetter. Suddenly I heard my wife calling down to the cellar
from the door above. "Honey, you can
take your hands off that leak now!"

"Why," I yelled, "did the plumber finally get here?"

"No," she responded, "the house is on fire."

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.
He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to mom and said, "I'm surprised at
you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with
water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "OH YES! I remember."

This particular Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything
was satisfactory except that certain miscreants took advantage
of his good nature, and would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign:
"This parking space belongs to the Wizard. ... Violators will be toad."

Jobs

Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers
and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.

They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of
the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"

One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?"

"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short."

Funny Lists

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
* It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.
* If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.
* If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
* You can't strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
* Who gossips to you will gossip of you.
* When someone says, "Do you want my opinion?" -
it's always a negative one.
* The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
* The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that
little extra.
* Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3
friends, if they are OK, you're it.
* Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.

Willwonka4442 · Post by **Willwonka4442** » Tue Sep 27, 2005 8:27 pm

I am unique just like everyone else

Slap

SharonM · Post by **SharonM** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 12:29 pm

Very, very funny, Cathy, Caffee, and Will.

I especially like the taxi, the leaky pipe and Will's comment.

dylan1298 · Post by **dylan1298** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 12:48 pm

* If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

That is so totally true- Not once did my car company call after Katrinia until I was late

Cat · Post by **Cat** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 1:14 pm

Animals

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going
to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything
about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

Women's Locker Room

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room.

When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't
you ever seen a little boy before?"

Guilty Dog

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
of the station.

As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.

"It sure is," I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back
of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

How Could I Ever Repay You?

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin
from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband
offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband
and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor
their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded
at thewoman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than
she ever had before!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was
overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the
thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on
the cheek."

Superterv · Post by **Superterv** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 1:25 pm

I just love the skin graft one - what a pay back

the cat · Post by **the cat** » Fri Sep 30, 2005 1:34 pm

Sooooooooooo great. you rock,

Cat · Post by **Cat** » Mon Oct 03, 2005 1:43 pm

Computer Emergency

I work in a busy office where a computer going down causes
quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only
crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.
"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock
horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

Where's Grandpa?

Three-year-old Nick was especially fond of his great- grandfather.
When he died, Nick's mother explained to him that his great-
grandfather had gone to Heaven.

"Mom, Grandpa is with God, right?" Nick asked.
"Yes," his mother replied."Well, why doesn't God
fix him and send him back?"

Never Step On a Duck

Clarence, Billy Bob and Bubba were traveling through Europe
on military leave when they came across a strange old town,
protected by an ancient stone wall.

They were getting hungry, and decided to stop and look for
something to eat.

A guard dressed in heavy leather and chain mail met them at
the gate.

"You may enter," said the guard, "But we have one rule here:
Never step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished!"

Clarence, Billy Bob, and Bubba thought this was strange, but since
they were hungry they passed through the gate, and found that
there were ducks everywhere! It was a impossible to keep from
stepping on one!

It was only a matter of time when Clarence accidentally stepped
on a duck. Suddenly, a troop of guards stormed down the street
and carried him away in chains! He was taken to prison and thrown
into a cell with the meanest, ugliest woman you ever saw!

Billy Bob and Bubba saw this, and were extremely careful not
to step on any ducks, but sure enough, it was only a few
minutes until Billy Bob stepped on one!

Billy Bob was immediately chained to a woman even uglier
than the first one. She was fat, and dirty, and nagged constantly!

By this time Bubba was afraid to even take a step! It took him a
half an hour just to walk a single block. Suddenly, for no reason,
a guard ran up to Bubba and chained him to the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen! She was tall, with blue eyes and long
blonde hair, and wore a stunning red dress, all decked out in
diamonds and gold! She must have been a princess! Bubba
couldn't believe his eyes!

"What did I ever do to deserve this?" asked Bubba.

"I don't know what you did," said the princess,
"But I stepped on a duck!"

the cat · Post by **the cat** » Mon Oct 03, 2005 2:18 pm

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 1:14 am

dylan1298 wrote:
* If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.
That is so totally true- Not once did my car company call after Katrinia until I was late

Should have sent them a piece of your broken house with a I.O.U. written on it....

Most financial institutions are giving hurricane victims a 90 day "grace period" Did you ask them if they've seen the new lately

Great laughs folks keep them coming

I always appreciate this post after a hard day at work

Willwonka4442 · Post by **Willwonka4442** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 1:17 pm

http://media2.funnyjunk.com/movies/0739 ... _dance.wmv

Here is a dancing cat. It was funny!

Cat · Post by **Cat** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 4:10 pm

Radiation Laboratory

Returning to the University of Notre Dame after winter break
one year, I was greeted by a freshly snow- blanketed campus.
While admiring the scenery, I noticed a strange figure looming
in the shadow of a campus building. Directly under the words
"Radiation Laboratory" on the side of the edifice stood a perfectly
sculpted two-headed snowman.

Giving Half

The teacher asked little Johnny, "If your father earned
$100,000.00 and gave half of it to your mother, what would
she have?"

Little Johnny replied, "A heart attack."

What Hurts?

When my wife, Margaret quit work to take care of our new
baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games
slowly took their toll.

One evening Margaret smacked her bare toes on the corner
of a dresser and,grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.

I rushed to her side and asked what she hurt. She looked at
me through tear -filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the
piggy that ate the roast beef!"

Cat

ann3120 · Post by **ann3120** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 4:22 pm

Finally a Barbie we all should be able to relate to. Here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

(and some of us might recognize one of the words - OK, two or more)

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

the cat · Post by **the cat** » Tue Oct 04, 2005 4:44 pm

good one Ann;

I personal can say I fit all. but.8,9

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:25 am

Ann, I resemble each and every one of those Barbies, except #11. Post-Menopausal Barbie, maybe next year

Thanks for the laughs

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:45 am

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies:

If your choking on a ice cube, don't panic
Simply pour hot water down your throat & presto! the blockage will be gone.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetable by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

For high blood pressure - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in the veins...... Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top you alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

Have a bad toothache? Smach your thumb with a hammer, you'll forget about the toothache.

And last but not least..........

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
Then you'll be afraid to cough.

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Wed Oct 05, 2005 2:00 am

DEFINE: Globalization

Question?
What's the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's Death

An English Princess, with an Egyptian boyfriend. crashes in a French tunnel,
driving in a German car with a Dutch engine, Driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazillian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates's technology, and you are probably reading this on your computers, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers, in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, Hijacked by Indosesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexicans.

That my friend is Globalization.

More Jokes

Fifty-Fifty

Animals,Women's Locker Room,

Computer Emergency

Radiation Laboratory