More Jokes
Discipline, Legless Frog
Discipline
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster
cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt
and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt,
he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the
window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk
work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished
them. This happened several times.
When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the
window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and
rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up
and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest
in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
Legless Frog
Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences.
One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12
-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a
local pond.
Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told
Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.
Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and
prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted,
"Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance.
"12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.
Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed
the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted,
"Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie
wrote it down.
Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed,
and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."
The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump,
frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog.
"The frog jumped 8 inches...write it down, Sophie."
Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it
down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog!
Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"
The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what
should I write down?"
Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you
remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."
Cat
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster
cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt
and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt,
he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the
window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk
work. The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished
them. This happened several times.
When he could do work at his desk, the strong breeze from the
window made his tie flap annoyingly. He kept rearranging and
rearranging the tie as the class raised it's level of unruliness.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up
and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest
in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
Legless Frog
Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences.
One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12
-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a
local pond.
Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told
Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.
Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and
prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted,
"Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance.
"12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.
Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed
the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted,
"Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie
wrote it down.
Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed,
and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."
The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump,
frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog.
"The frog jumped 8 inches...write it down, Sophie."
Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it
down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog!
Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"
The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what
should I write down?"
Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you
remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."
Cat
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Weird Signs
Sign in a Laundromat: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PREPACKED BAG; 20p DO IT YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING-BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LITTER LOUTS AND VANDALS, WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR-THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, a Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"
Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PREPACKED BAG; 20p DO IT YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING-BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall to be opened by the Prince of Wales: CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LITTER LOUTS AND VANDALS, WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR-THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, a Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!"
Sign at a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Buy The Bird!
Buy The Bird!
A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of
the items for sale is a large parrot.
He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid
he offers $50.
The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding
ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.
When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"
The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
Cat
A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of
the items for sale is a large parrot.
He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid
he offers $50.
The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding
ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.
When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"
The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"
Cat
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Frog Goes for a Loan
Frog Goes for a Loan
One day a frog hopped into a bank to try to get a loan. He asked to see a loan officer and was told to see Patty Black. She gave him the appropriate papers, and when the frog was finished filling them out she looked them over.
"Mr. Frog, everything seems to be in order, except that you have not listed any collateral. Do you own a house?"
"No," he croaked.
"What about a car?" she asked.
"No," he replied again.
"Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Frog, but you must have something of value to put up as collateral in order for me to give you this loan."
The frog thanked her and promised that he would return with something to use as collateral. The next day the frog hopped back to the bank, carrying an odd-looking figurine of some sort and showed it to the loan officer. "I would like to use this as collateral for my loan," he croaked.
She looked it over and replied, "I'm not convinced that this is valuable enough for a loan of this amount."
"But this is an antique!" the frog protested. "It has been in my family for generations!"
The loan officer, sensing the frog's sincerity but knowing very little about antiques, took the item to her the head of the loan department. "Sir," she said, "there is a frog out here who wants a loan and the only thing he has to offer for collateral is this . . . THING, and I don't even know what it is. He claims that it's a valuable antique. What do you think?"
The man looked it over carefully, then replied, "Why, it's a knickknack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"
One day a frog hopped into a bank to try to get a loan. He asked to see a loan officer and was told to see Patty Black. She gave him the appropriate papers, and when the frog was finished filling them out she looked them over.
"Mr. Frog, everything seems to be in order, except that you have not listed any collateral. Do you own a house?"
"No," he croaked.
"What about a car?" she asked.
"No," he replied again.
"Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Frog, but you must have something of value to put up as collateral in order for me to give you this loan."
The frog thanked her and promised that he would return with something to use as collateral. The next day the frog hopped back to the bank, carrying an odd-looking figurine of some sort and showed it to the loan officer. "I would like to use this as collateral for my loan," he croaked.
She looked it over and replied, "I'm not convinced that this is valuable enough for a loan of this amount."
"But this is an antique!" the frog protested. "It has been in my family for generations!"
The loan officer, sensing the frog's sincerity but knowing very little about antiques, took the item to her the head of the loan department. "Sir," she said, "there is a frog out here who wants a loan and the only thing he has to offer for collateral is this . . . THING, and I don't even know what it is. He claims that it's a valuable antique. What do you think?"
The man looked it over carefully, then replied, "Why, it's a knickknack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"
Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the street lights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly.... It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP.....
BUMP........BUMP......
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
lumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin....... still it came .
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....
Still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Vicks cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly.... It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP.....
BUMP........BUMP......
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and
lumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin
allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the
bathroom door flew off its hinges....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin....... still it came .
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....
Still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Vicks cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
Superterv, Founder of the *K9 Carers*, 
I like that very much."Kutos" Halloween Humor
Bloody Vampire Bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I freakin' didn't!!!!!!"
[/img]
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I freakin' didn't!!!!!!"
[/img]
A Roaring Wedding! Blondie's Pink Curtains!
Sorinda and Dylan those jokes are so funny Thanks!
I got a couple too, Enjoy! If the blonde joke hurts anyone feels I am sorry!
Cat
A Roaring Wedding!
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming
down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to
the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's
side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up
like claws and roar loudly.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way
down the aisle.As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears
from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached
the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was just being the Ring Bear!"
Blondie's Pink Curtains!
Blondie enters a store that sell curtains. She tells the salesman,
"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of
pink curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blond
seemed to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small,
what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her
computer monitor.The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss,
computers do not have curtains!"Blondie says, "Hellllooooooooo
........I've got Windows!
I got a couple too, Enjoy! If the blonde joke hurts anyone feels I am sorry!
Cat
A Roaring Wedding!
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming
down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to
the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's
side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up
like claws and roar loudly.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way
down the aisle.As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears
from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed
from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached
the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was just being the Ring Bear!"
Blondie's Pink Curtains!
Blondie enters a store that sell curtains. She tells the salesman,
"I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of
pink curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blond
seemed to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small,
what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her
computer monitor.The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss,
computers do not have curtains!"Blondie says, "Hellllooooooooo
........I've got Windows!
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
those are both very funnnnnny jokes. was the little boys was related to Bear. 
Last edited by the cat on Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
O"Cathy"X's
Original Member#563
Proud member of FOWL, Ramblers,PITA,CNC,CLUBS
Original Member#563
Proud member of FOWL, Ramblers,PITA,CNC,CLUBS
It's never too late to learn something new, and maybe some of us
might not know all these answers
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, i
t is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
might not know all these answers
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, i
t is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Mrs. Annie Purple Hat
INVESTMENTS 101
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, today it would be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00 investment. And WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00
But, if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned the cans in for the Aluminum Recycling REFUND, you would have $54.00
Based on the above research, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, today it would be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00 investment. And WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00
But, if you purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned the cans in for the Aluminum Recycling REFUND, you would have $54.00
Based on the above research, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
-
fan no.1
- Platinum Wonderlander
- Posts: 84
- Joined: Sat Oct 01, 2005 9:56 am
- Location: Stinkers Ville
- Contact:
jokez
A man walked into a bar... Ouch!
Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with?
The girl necks door!
What do ghosts say when a girl footballer gets sent off?
Ban-she Ban-she
First monster:That pretty girl over there just rolled her eyes at me!
Second monster:Well you better roll them back to her she might need them!
Fan no.1
Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with?
The girl necks door!
What do ghosts say when a girl footballer gets sent off?
Ban-she Ban-she
First monster:That pretty girl over there just rolled her eyes at me!
Second monster:Well you better roll them back to her she might need them!
Fan no.1
Chorus:
Star Trekking, across the universe,
On the Starship Enterprise, under Captain Kirk.
Star Trekking, across the universe,
Only going forward, still can't find reverse.
Star Trekking, across the universe,
On the Starship Enterprise, under Captain Kirk.
Star Trekking, across the universe,
Only going forward, still can't find reverse.
Two New Ears!
Two New Ears!
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good surgeon in Sweden and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
Cat
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good surgeon in Sweden and went to him.
The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right."
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears."
"Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's."
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"
Cat
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Fixing the Headstone
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Have a Spooky Halloween!
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Have a Spooky Halloween!
D's MOM
LISA
LISA
Signs Your Are Too Old For Trick or Treating!
You ask for high fiber candy only.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
You get winded from knocking on the door.
You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
You're the only Dragon Ball Z character in the neighborhood with a walker.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
You ask to use the washroom every two houses.
You lose your teeth bobbing for apples at Halloween parties.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
You get winded from knocking on the door.
You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
You're the only Dragon Ball Z character in the neighborhood with a walker.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
You ask to use the washroom every two houses.
You lose your teeth bobbing for apples at Halloween parties.
D's MOM
LISA
LISA
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her,
so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her Doctor recommended that she see
the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw
reery, reery fast to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was
instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not Haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed ZacharyDisease?" Dr.
Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face
look ed zachary Like your a$$.
Hope this isn't too rude - but it made me laugh out loud
any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her,
so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her Doctor recommended that she see
the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw
reery, reery fast to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was
instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not Haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed ZacharyDisease?" Dr.
Chang sighed deeply, and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face
look ed zachary Like your a$$.
Hope this isn't too rude - but it made me laugh out loud
Lillie
Thanks to Kymmie.
These are jokes that Cathy(The Cat) sent me and she wanted me to share them with you all! Enjoy
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office..
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son,
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go
well, if something happens to me . your mother
is going to come and live with you and your wife f
or the rest of her life...."
__________________________________________________
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high
school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized
in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes,"
said her friend.
My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages
have to do with a well planned life?"
One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office..
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son,
do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go
well, if something happens to me . your mother
is going to come and live with you and your wife f
or the rest of her life...."
__________________________________________________
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high
school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized
in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes,"
said her friend.
My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages
have to do with a well planned life?"
One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."
Cat
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Member of FOWL, Ms.Tweety Bird, Queen of Beautiful
Those are so funny, Cat and The Cat!
----------------------------------------------------------------
I thought this was a hoot!
A Texas Chili Cook-Off
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- What the heck is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous "Burn Down the Barn" Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now -- Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back so hard now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had caused me brain damage. Voluptuous Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to
stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on
top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella. Wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
----------------------------------------------------------------
I thought this was a hoot!
A Texas Chili Cook-Off
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- What the heck is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous "Burn Down the Barn" Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now -- Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back so hard now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had caused me brain damage. Voluptuous Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to
stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on
top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella. Wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?