It's been a while so I thought I'd put this one in! It always makes me laugh!
The story goes that a local car dealer, who as known to have taken advantage of some people in the community, wanted to purchase a cow from a farmer. So the famer priced the cow in a way the car dealer could understand:
Basic Cow - 499.95
Shipping and Handling - 35.75
Extra Stomach - 79.25
Two-tone exterior - 142.50
Deluxe dual horns - 59.25
Automatic fly swatter - 74.55
Four spigot/high-output drain system - 149.20
Automatic fertilizer attachment - 339.40
Farmer's suggested list price - 1379.85
Addt. dealer adjustment - 300.00
Total price (including options) - 1679.85
I got that from Readers Digest June '04
More Jokes
Think all of us might be able to find something useful here !!!
MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!
I don't do windows because ...
I love birds
and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because ...
I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt
then I'll feel terrible, ( plus they may sue me.)
I don't mind the dust bunnies because ...
They are very good company, I have named most of them,
and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because ...
I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don't Spring Clean because ...
I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
I don't pull weeds in the garden because ..
I don't want to get in God's way,
HE is an excellent designer!
I don't put things away because ...
My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ...
I don't want my guests to stress out over what
to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don't iron because ...
I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".
I don't stress much on anything because ...
"A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around
and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!
And always remember . . . . .
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !!
MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!
I don't do windows because ...
I love birds
and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because ...
I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt
then I'll feel terrible, ( plus they may sue me.)
I don't mind the dust bunnies because ...
They are very good company, I have named most of them,
and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because ...
I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don't Spring Clean because ...
I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
I don't pull weeds in the garden because ..
I don't want to get in God's way,
HE is an excellent designer!
I don't put things away because ...
My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ...
I don't want my guests to stress out over what
to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don't iron because ...
I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".
I don't stress much on anything because ...
"A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around
and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!
And always remember . . . . .
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !!
Mrs. Annie Purple Hat
-
tigershazz
- Gold Wonderlander
- Posts: 55
- Joined: Sat Sep 17, 2005 3:26 am
o m g
o m g i thought i was going to wet myself that is the funiest joke ive heard in a long time.i used to eat a lot o chilli
-
tigershazz
- Gold Wonderlander
- Posts: 55
- Joined: Sat Sep 17, 2005 3:26 am
just a little giggle
these ones i got from my 11 yr old son jake.
whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windscreen.
it's bum.
how do you know when a moth breaks wind:
it flies straight for 2 seconds
whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windscreen.
it's bum.
how do you know when a moth breaks wind:
it flies straight for 2 seconds
Just in case any one is planning a vacation in the mountains this year.
It's probably the same for any state, not just CA.
The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
It's probably the same for any state, not just CA.
The California State Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Yosemite and Mammoth areas.
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bear unexpectedly. They also advise carrying pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity and know the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Mrs. Annie Purple Hat
-
tigershazz
- Gold Wonderlander
- Posts: 55
- Joined: Sat Sep 17, 2005 3:26 am
lmao
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha 
dylan1298 wrote:This isn't really a joke, but I just thought it was precious! Mette, if you feel it should be in a new thread, help yourself!
Puppies for Sale
A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read "Puppies For Sale."
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign. "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change. "I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"
The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur.
One puppy was lagging considerably behind. Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"
The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always limp. It would always be lame.
The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."
The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."
The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."
To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands!"
We ALL need someone who Understands!
I know. Everyone needs someone that understands.(I have skin growths(warts) and hardly anyone in my class likes me.)Everyone does!
Sonic In Super Smash Bros. Brawl? NO WAI
You have lots of friends on here too Loofyloof101 wrote:
Everyone does!
I like your siggie - it made me laugh
Lillie The Beanhead! 
"Lillie Still A London Phillie Dancing Like A Billie Goatee Wee Wee Lillie"
"Lillie Still A London Phillie Dancing Like A Billie Goatee Wee Wee Lillie"
this was in a magazine:
One day, A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"Sir,"said the policeman,"These boys were causing ruckus at the zoo."
"Okay," said the judge."Now each of you shall state your name and what you did wrong."
"My name is Mike," Said the first boy, "And I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
"My name is Joe," said the second boy," And I threw peanuts in the elephant cage."
"My name is George," said the third boy, "And I threw peanuts in the elephant cage."
The fourth boy said-
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"My name is
Peanuts "
Loof101
One day, A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"Sir,"said the policeman,"These boys were causing ruckus at the zoo."
"Okay," said the judge."Now each of you shall state your name and what you did wrong."
"My name is Mike," Said the first boy, "And I threw peanuts into the elephant cage."
"My name is Joe," said the second boy," And I threw peanuts in the elephant cage."
"My name is George," said the third boy, "And I threw peanuts in the elephant cage."
The fourth boy said-
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"My name is
Peanuts
"Loof101
Sonic In Super Smash Bros. Brawl? NO WAI
Nice one Anthony!
Just registering my existance on the forum... it's been a while
To & from school with Vani & Akanisi, we usually sing songs (they get progressively louded the closer we are to the destination)... One day last week I decided to sing "There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza" substituting Liza with Vani's name.
Holding to tradition my singing got louder & louder as we neared home and the end of the song. Pulling up to a stop outside our home I gave the penultimate line in my best singing voice, holding her hand & looking into her eye's "There's a hole in the bucket dear Vani dear Vani, there's a hole in the bucket dear Vani a hole" (you have to visualise that really good). Looking suitably unimpressed by my best Harry Belefonte, she replied, '"Just get a new bucket daddy."
Robbie
Just registering my existance on the forum... it's been a while
To & from school with Vani & Akanisi, we usually sing songs (they get progressively louded the closer we are to the destination)... One day last week I decided to sing "There's a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza" substituting Liza with Vani's name.
Holding to tradition my singing got louder & louder as we neared home and the end of the song. Pulling up to a stop outside our home I gave the penultimate line in my best singing voice, holding her hand & looking into her eye's "There's a hole in the bucket dear Vani dear Vani, there's a hole in the bucket dear Vani a hole" (you have to visualise that really good). Looking suitably unimpressed by my best Harry Belefonte, she replied, '"Just get a new bucket daddy."
Robbie
Yes, I'm still here... 
500 posts here I come!
500 posts here I come!
A teenage granddaughter
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!"
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate.....
The grandmother says,
"Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets."
Happy Gardening.
Sorry folks, this was to funny not to share
comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit,
telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her
"Loosen up Grams.
These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!"
and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother
that she has friends coming over
and that it is just not appropriate.....
The grandmother says,
"Loosen up, Sweetie.
If you can show off your rose buds,
then I can display my hanging baskets."
Happy Gardening.
Sorry folks, this was to funny not to share
-
SonicSpeed
- Rainbow Wonderlander
- Posts: 173
- Joined: Sat May 06, 2006 6:58 am
Here`s some jokes:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
With traffic around here at this time of day,probably to commit suicide.
What do you get when you cross a haunted house with Garfield?
Things that go burp in the night!
Why did a kid throw a glass of water out the window?
He wanted to see a waterfall.
Why did a kid sit on the clock?
He wanted to be on time.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
With traffic around here at this time of day,probably to commit suicide.
What do you get when you cross a haunted house with Garfield?
Things that go burp in the night!
Why did a kid throw a glass of water out the window?
He wanted to see a waterfall.
Why did a kid sit on the clock?
He wanted to be on time.
If Sonic were a tough cookie, What kind of cookie would he be? I'm going with "Snickerdoodle".
Call me SS if you like.
loof101 gave me the avatar!
Call me SS if you like.
loof101 gave me the avatar!
THis one I made up. Please don't be offended, just in case.
Bananas
One day, a man went out for a walk while his blonde wife was in the market. When the man got home, he found tons of monkeys in the living room. At the center of it all was his blonde wife. “What’s going on?!” he asked in amazement. “You said the only thing we need is more monkeys in this house,” said his wife, “ and our first monkey, Banana, is in the basement!” The next day, when the man come home from a walk to find his wife in a banana suit, with the monkeys swarming around her. “Oh what now?” he asked in annoyance. His wife replied,” Well, after the monkeys were here you said-” But her husband interrupted, “You’re bananas,” He snapped. “SEE? You just said so again!” His wife insisted.
Loof 101
Sonic In Super Smash Bros. Brawl? NO WAI
This isn't a joke, but I couldn't think of anywhere else to put it.
Who will ride?
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think of your answer before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to
die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to
pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay
behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
Who will ride?
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think of your answer before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to
die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to
pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay
behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have often wondered about :
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can you cry under water?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can you cry under water?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Wow, those are both funny and interesting
I've wondered about some of those many times, in fact
My favorite there was the one about Wiley E. Coyote, that is hilarious
I've wondered about some of those many times, in fact
My favorite there was the one about Wiley E. Coyote, that is hilarious
(✿ ◕ᗜ◕)━♫.*･｡ﾟ
Currently making synth music as treehann
I make 2d games too at: treehann.itch.io
My old sig-bar image broke but I'm still thanking Pauline and Janet forever for their art!
Currently making synth music as treehann
I make 2d games too at: treehann.itch.io
My old sig-bar image broke but I'm still thanking Pauline and Janet forever for their art!
More strange things to ponder over....
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat
>his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
>rule of thumb ".
>
>Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
>"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered
>into the English language .
>
>The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred
>and Wilma Flintstone
>
>Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury .
>
>Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
>
>Coca-Cola was originally green
>
>It is impossible to lick your elbow.
>
>The average number of people airborne over the USany given hour:
>61 ,000
>
>Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair .
>
>The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
>
>Each king in a d eck of playing cards represents a great king in
history:
>Spades - King David
>Hearts - Charlemagne
>Clubs -Alexander, the Great
>Diamonds - Julius Caesar
>
>111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
>
>If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
>th e air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
>the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If
>the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
>causes.
>
>Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
>you would find the letter "A"?
>A. One thousand
>
>Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
>laser printers all have in common?
>A. All invented by women.
>
>Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
>A. Honey
>
>In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
>When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
>firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
>
>It was the accepted practice in Babylon4,000 years ago that for a
>month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
>with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
>their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,
>which we know today as the honeymoon.
>
>In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
>England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
>"Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the
>phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
>
>Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
>rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
>used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
>inspired by this practice.
>
>Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you
>can read it..........
>
>I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
>The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig t o rscheearch at
>Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
>wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
>in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
>it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
>lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
>
>
>
>Amazing huh?
>
>
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat
>his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
>rule of thumb ".
>
>Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
>"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered
>into the English language .
>
>The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred
>and Wilma Flintstone
>
>Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury .
>
>Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
>
>Coca-Cola was originally green
>
>It is impossible to lick your elbow.
>
>The average number of people airborne over the USany given hour:
>61 ,000
>
>Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair .
>
>The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
>
>Each king in a d eck of playing cards represents a great king in
history:
>Spades - King David
>Hearts - Charlemagne
>Clubs -Alexander, the Great
>Diamonds - Julius Caesar
>
>111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
>
>If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
>th e air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
>the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If
>the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
>causes.
>
>Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
>you would find the letter "A"?
>A. One thousand
>
>Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
>laser printers all have in common?
>A. All invented by women.
>
>Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
>A. Honey
>
>In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
>When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
>firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
>
>It was the accepted practice in Babylon4,000 years ago that for a
>month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
>with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
>their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,
>which we know today as the honeymoon.
>
>In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
>England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
>"Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the
>phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
>
>Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
>rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
>used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
>inspired by this practice.
>
>Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you
>can read it..........
>
>I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
>The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig t o rscheearch at
>Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
>wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
>in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
>it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
>lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
>
>
>
>Amazing huh?
>
>
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
sanity
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Laura N: your random facts were very interesting! I was reading them to my sister and mom, and all three of us were laughing, and going "Really??"
uneekrose: That was hilarious!! I was laughing my head off (my mom too!) 
uneekrose: That was hilarious!!
I was laughing my head off (my mom too!) (✿ ◕ᗜ◕)━♫.*･｡ﾟ
Currently making synth music as treehann
I make 2d games too at: treehann.itch.io
My old sig-bar image broke but I'm still thanking Pauline and Janet forever for their art!
Currently making synth music as treehann
I make 2d games too at: treehann.itch.io
My old sig-bar image broke but I'm still thanking Pauline and Janet forever for their art!
>>Several men were in the locker room of a golf club when a cell
>>phone on a
>>bench rang and a man engaged the speaker phone function. As he put
>>on
>>his golf shoes, and began to talk, everyone else in the room
>>stopped to
>>listen.
>>
>>MAN: "Hello."
>>WOMAN: "Honey it's me. Are you at the club?"
>>MAN: "Yes."
>>WOMAN: "I’m am at the mall and I’ve found this beautiful leather
>>coat.
>>It's only $1000, is it o.k. to buy it?"
>>MAN: "Sure, ... go ahead if you like it that much."
>>WOMAN: "I also stopped by the BMW dealership and saw the new 2006
>>models.
>>I saw one I really liked.”
>>MAN: "How much?"
>>WOMAN: "$90,000."
>>MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options!"
>>WOMAN: "Great! And one more thing ... The house I wanted last year
>>is
>>back on the market. They're asking $950,000!"
>>MAN: "Well then give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably
>>take
>>it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000. It is clearly a good
>>price."
>>WOMAN: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
>>MAN: "Bye. I love you too."
>>
>>The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at
>>him in
>>astonishment, mouths agape.
>>
>>He smiled, and asked, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
>>phone on a
>>bench rang and a man engaged the speaker phone function. As he put
>>on
>>his golf shoes, and began to talk, everyone else in the room
>>stopped to
>>listen.
>>
>>MAN: "Hello."
>>WOMAN: "Honey it's me. Are you at the club?"
>>MAN: "Yes."
>>WOMAN: "I’m am at the mall and I’ve found this beautiful leather
>>coat.
>>It's only $1000, is it o.k. to buy it?"
>>MAN: "Sure, ... go ahead if you like it that much."
>>WOMAN: "I also stopped by the BMW dealership and saw the new 2006
>>models.
>>I saw one I really liked.”
>>MAN: "How much?"
>>WOMAN: "$90,000."
>>MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options!"
>>WOMAN: "Great! And one more thing ... The house I wanted last year
>>is
>>back on the market. They're asking $950,000!"
>>MAN: "Well then give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably
>>take
>>it. If not, we can go the extra $50,000. It is clearly a good
>>price."
>>WOMAN: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
>>MAN: "Bye. I love you too."
>>
>>The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at
>>him in
>>astonishment, mouths agape.
>>
>>He smiled, and asked, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
this made me laugh 
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
> >>> excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had
> >>> found the
> >>> PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
> >>> mother-of-the-bride
> >>> ever!
> >>>
> >>> A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
> >>> young
> >>> wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her
> >>> Step-Mother to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look
> >>> like a
> >>> million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
> >>>
> >>> Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart.
> >>> I'll
> >>> get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
> >>>
> >>> A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous
> >>> dress.
> >>> When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you
> >>> going
> >>> to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion
> >>> where you
> >>> could wear it."
> >>>
> >>> Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm
> >>> wearing it
> >>> to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
> >>>
NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
> >>> excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had
> >>> found the
> >>> PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
> >>> mother-of-the-bride
> >>> ever!
> >>>
> >>> A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
> >>> young
> >>> wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her
> >>> Step-Mother to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look
> >>> like a
> >>> million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.
> >>>
> >>> Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart.
> >>> I'll
> >>> get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
> >>>
> >>> A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous
> >>> dress.
> >>> When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you
> >>> going
> >>> to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion
> >>> where you
> >>> could wear it."
> >>>
> >>> Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm
> >>> wearing it
> >>> to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
> >>>
NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?