More Jokes

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Wed Nov 16, 2005 10:13 pm

Something fun & interesting to do.... I found it quite accurate when I did the test, I scored 42 points. I'd say that sums me up in a nut shell.

P.S. Don't cheat by reading the bottom

Dr Phil's Test
Here you go. Try this. Below is Dr. Phil's test. On Oprah's show Dr. Phil
scored 55, while Oprah scored 38. Some people pay a lot of money to learn
things like this about themselves. Read on, this is very interesting.

Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and the test takes
only about 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and then
send it to your friends. If the person that sent this to you followed the
instructions, he or she placed their score in the subject box.
Please do the same before forwarding to your friends. Also be sure to send it
back to the person who sent it to you. Don't peek down below.
Begin the test at the top and scroll down and answer each question as you come
to it (1 through 10). Your answers are for who you are NOW .., not who you
were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready.. This is a real test
given by the Human Relations Department at many of the major corporations
today. It helps them to get a better insight concerning their employees and
prospective employees. It's only 10 simple questions, so ..... grab a pencil
and paper and keep track of your letter answers to each question. Make sure to
change the subject of the e-mail to read YOUR total. When you are finished,
forward this to
friends and family, and remember to send your response to the person who sent
this to you. Make sure to put YOUR score in the subject box. Ready? Have fun!

Begin .....

1. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon or early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk ...

a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly

3. When talking to people you ...

a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with ...

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with ...

a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you ...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted
..

a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8.. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going
to sleep you are ...

a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant

POINTS

1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g)1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with
care.." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely
dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you,
but
don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with
you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather
impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions,
though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and
adventuresome,
someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and
enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the
excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing,
practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the
center
of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their
head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding;
someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful
& practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest.
Not
a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone
who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same
loyalty in
return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake
your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to
get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They
see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder .
It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or
on
the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully
from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this
reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive,
someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make
the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or
anything!
They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist.
Some
people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you
aren't.

Cat · Post by **Cat** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 4:58 pm

This is so cute and funny! Enjoy

http://www.funnyheck.com/flash_cartoon/airhornbaby.html

amy25 · Post by **amy25** » Thu Nov 17, 2005 10:21 pm

you said it! hilarious!

the cat · Post by **the cat** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 12:36 am

aw that poor baby, that was funny. but I just had to blow the horn.

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 12:46 am

That was great Cat... of course I had to blow the horn too.

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:55 am

Three Wishes....

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed
woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry,
three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...
what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each
other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and
vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not
THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been
able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun,
likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets
along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the damn map
again

Sorry guys, just couldn't pass on this one.

amy25 · Post by **amy25** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 2:39 am

http://www.funnies.com/tanline.htm

In light of thanksgiving next week!

amy25 · Post by **amy25** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 2:41 am

http://www.funnies.com/molejoke.htm

Here's a good one!

amy25 · Post by **amy25** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:38 pm

http://newfunpages.com/atm.php3

These are things that are sent to one of my mailboxes. I usuall delete right away but sometimes, they have some funny things!

Cat · Post by **Cat** » Fri Nov 18, 2005 2:57 pm

Two Blondes Get Snowed!

Rachel and Lena, two blondes, were sitting down to
their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the
weather report coming over the radio.

"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow
emergency has been declared," the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of
the streets."

Rachel says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from her coffee.
The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups
of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to
4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been
declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered
side of the streets."

Again Rachel says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from her coffee.
Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches
of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.

You must park your cars on the..." and then the power goes out
without Rachel getting get the rest of the instructions. She turns
to Lena and says, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
And Lena replies "Aw, Rachel, just leave the car in the garage today."

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Wed Nov 30, 2005 10:55 pm

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he
found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the
four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine
which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat
around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the
fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's
on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know
that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!

ann3120 · Post by **ann3120** » Wed Nov 30, 2005 11:03 pm

Funny ! ! ! ! ! (I think he works here in town)

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Thu Dec 01, 2005 1:23 pm

Ya Ann, I think there's a few Bubba's at every Wal*Mart.

Shorty · Post by **Shorty** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 7:56 am

ha ha ha

funny stuff yall!

Shorty · Post by **Shorty** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 8:05 am

Here's one...

Bad Food

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Fri Dec 02, 2005 1:19 pm

good one Shortness.... I've felt those effects a couple of times.

Robbie · Post by **Robbie** » Tue Dec 06, 2005 11:28 am

Most of the bridal party and guest at a wedding reception I attended were from musical societies, so it was fitting that the groom sang a romantic song to his bride, accompanying himself on the guitar.

Handkerchiefs dabbed at moist eyes as many guests succumbed to the emotion of it all. Then, as the last notes died away, a loud voice called out, "Thank you. We'll let you know."

Robbie

Erica Cochran · Post by **Erica Cochran** » Fri Dec 09, 2005 3:42 pm

I'm blonde & these are great

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 1:13 pm

> A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
>mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling
>around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they
>saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and
>then slide back together again.
>
> The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
>
> The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
>ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r
>what it is."
>
> While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
>in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
>walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
>closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above
>the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached
>the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
>Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde
>woman stepped out.
>
> The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
>Son,
> "Boy, go git yo Momma...."

Robbie · Post by **Robbie** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 1:28 pm

I should really eat more fruits...

My sister-in-law who with her daughter is staying with us, prepares my lunch each day. I usually get some nice sandwiches, or left-overs from the night before's dinner (not as bad as left-overs might sound) and a piece of fruit which tends to adorn my desk throughout the day until I decide I really shouldn't take it back home & put in some measure of effort to eat it.

Today was orange day. I do love oranges but this one still sat faithfully beside my pencil stand (come pen stand, come old rubber band stand, used postage stamp stand, toothbrush holder...) throughout the entire day.

My wife came around to work tonight to help out a bit (we just live literally a stone's throw away) & mentioned a few things we needed from the store which I volunteered to get while she finished up some paperwork.

She was ready at the door when I returned & I drove her home & popped back to tidy a few other things up.

When I returned, I noticed a few embelishments on my orange... appropriate.

Robbie

popo · Post by **popo** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 1:45 pm

That'll teach you to save it for 'Ron'!!

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Thu Dec 15, 2005 12:44 pm

Good one Robbie, your wife is a wise & witty woman.

ann3120 · Post by **ann3120** » Tue Dec 27, 2005 5:51 pm

Goodness! This thread has dropped so far down the page, I thought I'd bring it back up.

Christmas is (finally) over, so maybe it's time for some new jokes.

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill
the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it
in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,
"I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your
work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to
have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team.
but today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 2:57 pm

Dinner Blessing
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you
like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"

the cat · Post by **the cat** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 3:54 pm

Ann,Laura

Those were so funny, But you don't know how true.

Davimad · Post by **Davimad** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 4:23 pm

Thanks for the laugh girls.

Annie, I think those road diggers work here.

ann3120 · Post by **ann3120** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 8:27 pm

This sounds very familiar.

Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'putering',
And I had to answer "yes."

He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night.<<Sigh>>

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.

laura n. · Post by **laura n.** » Thu Dec 29, 2005 9:53 pm

That's GREAT

Shorty · Post by **Shorty** » Fri Dec 30, 2005 2:58 am

Oh Annie, That's totally awesome.. hehehe

Cat · Post by **Cat** » Fri Dec 30, 2005 3:20 pm

Grounds For Divorce!

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued,

"What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle
living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have
never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We
don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up
earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you
want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted
a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate
with me."

I can see why this man would want a divorce!

More Jokes

Cute baby sleeping

Two Blondes Get Snowed!

Grounds For Divorce!